SOL21 Slice 13: What's the point?

 

I am participating in the

 Slice of Life Story Challenge (SOL21).  

All participants are sharing stories about moments in their lives, writing 

 every day for the month of March 2021.

Thank you, Two Writing Teachers, for nurturing teacher-writers!

I was just starting out on a run through my neighborhood. I had walked to the corner, like I always do, and then I began my slow jog, my warm up pace . . . I suspect this 'warm up pace' is imperceptible from my 'mid-run pace,' though it is certainly perceptible in my body, in my rusty joints, and my ability to engage them, to convince them that, yes, we are running. Anyhow, as I round the corner of the block, I see a woman walking, wearing a mask - not at all surprising, since these are basically 'de rigueur' in my neighborhood (and I appreciate this so much). I move to the opposite side of the street, to give her wide 'COVID' berth; we are some 20 feet from one another. Although it's perhaps unnecessary at such distance, I pull my gaiter up over my face. 

Let's get back to this masked woman, this walker, on the other side of the street. It bears repeating, I'm a very healthy distance from her. 

She calls out from behind her mask, "What's the point?" and I nod acknowledgement. That nod basically means, "we are not engaging, just noticing one another." I don't know her, well, I don't think I know her; masks make it difficult to know for sure. COVID makes me less willing to chat and find out - ha! I continue my jog, the other direction from her.

Her words repeat again in my head.

"What's the point?" 

Wait, why did she say that? Was she speaking in an ANNOYED voice? Did she notice my gaiter and want me to know that these aren't anywhere near as effective as masks in preventing COVID? I begin to argue with her in my mind.Yes, yes, yes, gal-who-I-don't know, I know about the difference between gaiters and masks. I wear gaiters for my exercise runs, because I typically run without seeing anyone, or certainly very few people, and it is easier to pull a gaiter up and down, rather than putting on/taking off a mask, and - most importantly - I am always keeping quite distant from all passersby. I was very far away from you! What do you mean, 'what's the point?' It is not at all comfortable to work up a sweat with a mask over one's face, and as long as I have the outdoor space, I will tend to bare my face...but, let me remind you, my face was covered when I passed by you at quite a distance!

I don't want to think of her as annoyed. We don't need more mask-police. That probably wasn't what she meant. Silly thing to comment on . . . .

I keep running, and her words continue to wash over me.

"What's the point?" 

Wait a minute, I say to myself, she may not have been annoyed. Maybe it wasn't the gaiter. Geez, maybe it was an insult about my running - here I am, in my 60s, barely moving, barely working up a sweat. Was she being RUDE? As if, why am I bothering to run? Goodness, I was just starting out! I am truly a slow runner. Yes, it's true, sometimes I have trouble catching up with walkers. There is a point to my running! I run to placate anxiety, these whirling swirling waves of yuck that just get stuck inside me, making me feel all heavy in mind, heart, soul - running is the way out for me, it lifts me, reminds me of my youth, reminds me I am able, still, I can, I can, I can. Yes, that's the point, dang it - to clear my head. I may not "look like a runner" but geez, don't yuck my yum.

I don't want to think of her as rude. I don't know her at all, why would she have been so unkind.

I keep running, and her words continue to wash over me.

"What's the point?" 

Whoa, what if it was some sort of a cry for help? Maybe she is experiencing loss and pain, maybe she was reaching out to me, hoping. I just blew her off! Gave her that nod, the 'don't converse with me' brush off. What if she was seeking connection, needing a friend, a kind word? Oh no, no, no, I feel terrible if that was so. Oh, I hope she's okay . . . .

I keep running, and her words continue to wash over me.

"What's the point?" 

Maybe she was just making small talk. A glib little statement, vague reference to this crazy world we are in . . . just thinking about the enormity of this dang pandemic, how long it has gone on, how people keep getting sick, people are dying. All these new variants. The struggle to get vaccines. We can feel so helpless, useless, without hope. Yes, what is the point? What does it mean? Existential, really . . . .

I keep running, and her words continue to wash over me.

"What's the point?" 

Wait - Maureen! I reprimand myself. Was she even talking to me? Did she have headphones on? Come to think of it, I never really even looked at her. What if she was mid-conversation with someone else entirely, maybe those words weren't even directed my way. For goodness sakes, did I even notice? What if she was just passing by me as well, and just like me, not wanting to engage! Oh my, I bet her words weren't even directed at me. I need to pay closer attention to people, I really do . . . .

Consumed by her words, block after block after block, I am reminded of the gentle chide of a colleague - "remember, it's not all about you." 

Well, what's the point? 

"Other people's words are the bridge you use to 

cross from where you were to 

wherever you're going."

- Zadie Smith